


take the pieces and build them skywards

by dialecstatic



Series: whatever a sun will always sing is you [12]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Caretaking, Developing Relationship, Dysphoria, Fluff and Angst, M/M, MOSTLY FLUFF I PROMISE, Menstruation, POV Alternating, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, blood mention, trans!jungwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 08:46:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15069494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dialecstatic/pseuds/dialecstatic
Summary: when jungwoo's time comes, yukhei is there.





	take the pieces and build them skywards

**Author's Note:**

> warning: this fic deals with a trans man having his period and the dysphoria it induces. it is based on my own experience and of course won't reflect that of every single trans man/transmasc person. please don't read it if you think it will make you uncomfortable or trigger your own dysphoria, take care of yourselves loves <3 
> 
> title from 'machines' by biffy clyro

Yukhei is halfway through his notes on _Water Margin_ when his phone rings, sound echoing out in the library as Yeri throws a bit of eraser at him. He scrambles out of his seat, suddenly awfully aware of how much space his body takes up, and shuffles across the floor to the door, soles creaking against the linoleum.

 

He doesn’t check the name on the screen before the call almost goes out, feels relieved that he manages to answer before the ringtone ends. “Hey, baby Woo!”

 

Jungwoo’s voice is uncharacteristically hoarse on the other end, barely croaking through a greeting before Yukhei can ask him what’s going on.

 

“Hey. Yeah, um, so… Are you busy? Right now?” Jungwoo asks, words so tight it sounds like he’s been crying.

 

“Not if you need me.” 

 

It doesn’t take more than half a second for Yukhei to make up his mind. Things between himself and Jungwoo have been going so well, so smoothly, these past few weeks, worlds melting into each other, and the other boy had been such a reliable part of his life that Yukhei would be remiss to not offer that same support, especially when Jungwoo sounds like he needs it so much more than ever before.

 

Jungwoo takes a sharp breath through the monitor. “I need you to um… Can you go to the store and get me...some...tampons?” 

 

“Uh?” 

 

The request leaves Yukhei dumbfounded for a moment, gears working in his mind until he remembers and realizes. “Oh. Oh. Oh yeah okay. Okay.” 

 

“Just get regular. And also some painkillers? Please? I’m in my dorm room.” Jungwoo says, voice still caught in his throat.

 

“On my way. Try to stay still ok?”

 

Jungwoo lets out a pained groan. “Not like I can do much else.”

 

When he hangs up, Yukhei is determined to make the day just a little better.

 

___

 

Jungwoo never sees it coming.

 

Everytime it’s the same, his insides cramping and churning, and he tries to push it off as maybe he ate something bad, maybe he just needs to lie down, maybe it will pass as quickly as it came. But everytime he has to face the grim realization, the reminder that his body is working against him, the blood he sheds like a mocking reminder that he isn’t quite where he wants to be. Who he wants to be. 

 

Who he is.

 

It comes in waves, pain stabbing at his insides as he tries to ignore it, to will it away. Maybe if he doesn’t pay attention to it he’ll finally get rid of the pressure he feels each time this happens, the dots on his calendar taunting him, saying, _'this will keep happening'_ , over and over again.

 

He knows it won’t, that it doesn’t have to. One month he asks Ten about it, and his friend reassures him that the hormones can take care of everything, that it will just be a distant, unpleasant memory before Jungwoo even knows it. But for now he has to deal with all of it, and he can’t even stand upright.

 

“Fuck.” Jungwoo mutters under his breath, trying to massage the soreness from his thighs. 

 

He’d ran back to his dorm as soon as he realized it had started, only to realize his supply of tampons was running almost empty. When he crouched down to check his toiletries is when the cramps started spreading down his legs, and even walking across the room to his bed, Jungwoo felt his head spinning, strength being drained from his body.

 

So he did the only thing he could think of, called the only person he wouldn’t feel like he’s being a burden to. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Doyoung anymore, but they’ve gotten him through so many of these moments already, rough patches in high school where Jungwoo almost wouldn’t have shown up for class if Doyoung hadn’t barged in through the front door and dragged him out of bed themself. But that’s exactly why he doesn’t call them: high school was then, and this is now, and he doesn’t want Doyoung to feel like they have to be responsible for him anymore.

 

Right now, waiting for Yukhei to show up, Jungwoo fears what the other will say. He doesn’t want to be pitied, but needs reassurance all the same, and it feels so bitter to realize that even after so many years of becoming himself, something like this can still knock him back down, so low on the ground.

 

___

 

 

It takes only one knock on the door for Jungwoo to open, wrapped in worn out sweats and an oversized t-shirt and holding his stomach, his other hand braced on his thigh.

 

“Thanks.” is all Yukhei gets before Jungwoo snatches the bag out of his hand and makes a beeline out in the hallway for the bathroom, head hung low like he’s dreading running into anyone on his way.

 

Yukhei just drops his bag on the floor and takes up residence on the desk chair, looks around before he’s hit with the realization that this is the first time he’s been in Jungwoo’s room. It’s about as orderly and clean as he’d imagined, a row of polaroids neatly arranged above the desk, the one authorized house plant kept healthy and flourishing on top of the dresser. The one thing that’s out of place is the best, unmade and unkempt, pillows haphazardly thrown across the wrinkled comforter. It’s enough for Yukhei to realize how bad Jungwoo must be feeling, how hard this is hitting him. He wants to tuck Jungwoo in until he can fall asleep, reassured and comfortable.

 

When Jungwoo walks back inside the room, he’s noticeably limping, but Yukhei isn’t sure if asking why would make things better or worse.

 

“How are you feeling?” he settles on the safe option, rearranges the pillows so Jungwoo can nestle against them.

 

“Everything hurts.” Jungwoo whines in the back of his throat as he falls into bed. “Not only down there but also my legs, and my back, and my head, and-”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

When Jungwoo doesn’t reply, Yukhei takes a breath and points at the laptop on the floor. “You wanna watch a movie?”

 

Jungwoo only nods and reaches for it, fingertips barely brushing the surface from where he’s lying down. Yukhei hands the laptop to him, settles down next to Jungwoo, a leg hanging off the bed. It’s not the most comfortable way to be sitting but he doesn’t mind, just wants to be able to hold Jungwoo’s hand and pet his hair and be there for him like Jungwoo needs him to be. The specifics of his own feelings don’t matter much right now, so Yukhei lets Jungwoo pick the movie, some inane romantic comedy with a terrible rating, and weaves his fingers through soft, smooth locks until he hears that Jungwoo’s breathing is calming down as the pills take effect.

 

He manages to laugh at some of the more improbable scenes, a bad rendition of slapstick comedy that Yukhei has always found particularly effective on days when nothing seems to go right. The sound of Jungwoo’s laughter, light and contagious, eases his mind a little bit. 

 

It’s only a few minutes though before Jungwoo starts curling in on himself again, eyes screwed up in pain.

 

“Need more pills?” Yukhei asks, reaching out to pause the movie.

 

“S’okay.” Jungwoo mutters, spasming ever so slightly. 

 

Yukhei watches the muscle in Jungwoo’s arm clench, and his heart does the same.

 

Jungwoo chews on his bottom lip, sits up with knees drawn up to his chest and trapping his hand against his stomach. “The pain I can deal with.” he states, waving at the box of pills now sitting on his bedside table. “I just hate how it makes me feel like I’m not…”

 

“Not what?” 

 

There’s very little that can prepare Yukhei for what Jungwoo says next, a tight knot of helplessness forming in his gut

 

“Not real.” 

 

With the words, Jungwoo twists his fingers in the front of his shirt, like he’s trying to pull at something inside himself, trying to rip it away and discard it where no one can see it.

 

“I always feel like people use that against me.”

 

Yukhei sits gingerly on the bed, settles against Jungwoo’s side, tries to give him some warmth if not much else. “I know I can’t really understand how you’re feeling, and I’m not sure how much weight my words have but… You’re one of the best men I know. Nothing can change that.”

 

“Sure.” Jungwoo’s voice is bitter, muffled where his face is hidden in the crook of his arm. “But you’re still wondering why you’re here, bringing fucking tampons to your guy friend.”

 

“I’m not.” Yukhei defends himself, but Jungwoo scoffs at him. “Okay, maybe a little, when you first asked me, but we both know… I mean, we both know that doesn’t make you any less of a guy. Right?”

 

The second of silence it takes for Jungwoo to lift up his head and run a hand over his eyes feels like an eternity.

 

“I know.” he says, staring at the ceiling. “It’s everyone else that refuses to see it.”

 

There isn’t  really anything he can say, this much Yukhei knows. Apologies and polite bows will only get things so far, and it’s not what Jungwoo needs to hear right now.

 

“Screw them.”

 

Jungwoo whips his head around, smile forming across his lips almost in spite of himself. “What?”

 

“I said, screw them. You do you, and if anyone gives you shit for it, you send them to me.”

 

He offers his fist to Jungwoo, who bumps it with his own and bursts out laughing. 

 

“You’re so weird, Xuxi.” and before Yukhei can get jokingly offended, “I like that about you.”

 

College had taught Yukhei a few things, with his favorite being that if you don’t do things in the now, you might never get the opportunity to do them later. Letting himself a little lose to put a smile on his friends’ faces is easy. 

 

Of course, Jungwoo is different. Yukhei likes Jungwoo a little bit more than he likes everyone else, in a different way, something that settled deep and warm in his chest that day on the park bench, since he kissed Yukhei in the colorful whirlwind of Pride. It’s a little extreme, maybe, but Yukhei thinks there isn’t much he wouldn’t do to make Jungwoo happy, to see that soft smile bloom across his face, to hear that voice teasing him, lighter than air across his skin. 

 

He’s tried not to let his feelings run away with his brain, but it’s harder than Taeil made it seem when Jungwoo is here, so close, his heart open in front of Yukhei.

 

“Thank you, Xuxi. Your offer is noted.”

 

Yukhei beams at him and bends down to reach into his bag. “I got some snacks, too. Don’t you get really hungry when this happens?”

 

“Yes. Absolutely.” Jungwoo snatches said snacks out of Yukhei’s hands immediately, barely meeting any resistance as he tears the plastic open. 

 

Seeing Jungwoo reinvigorated like that, even if just a little, is worth everything to Yukhei. When Jungwoo seems to remember the pain he’s in, he reluctantly gives the snacks up, grabs the medicine bag instead and limps to the door.

 

“If any of these are missing,” he says, turning back to Yukhei as much as his body will allow and pointing at the snacks. “You’ll answer to me and only me.”

 

He tries to make his voice menacing and Yukhei can only smile fondly at him, cross his heart. “I’d love to do that, actually.”

 

Jungwoo shakes his head and laughs before he pulls the door open.

 

___

 

Settled against Yukhei, the world feels safe for a moment. His insides are still in turmoil, cramping ever so often, and though he tries to not let it show on his face, Jungwoo can feel Yukhei’s arm around his shoulder get a little tighter, pull him a little closer each time.

 

They’ve gone through almost two movies already and his stomach is starting to clamor for some more food, the bags of banana chips and chocolate treats long emptied and discarded in the bin. How Yukhei knew exactly what to get, Jungwoo is certainly curious, and it wouldn’t surprise him if a phone call to Ten or Taeyong had been made, but he pushes the question to the back of his mind, leave it there for later. Right now he just wants to enjoy this impromptu moment, not quite what he’d like to call it, but enough for him regardless.

 

“Hey.” he nudges Yukhei, snaps him out of the daze that the honey-dripping romance on the screen has trapped him in. “Hey. I’m hungry.”

 

Yukhei nods wordlessly, eyes still glued to the screen although he seems to at least be listening to Jungwoo instead. The protagonists are engaged in a fierce declaration to each other, making a scene in front of everyone and scaring and old lady’s dog. It’s so over the top that Jungwoo almost finds it touching, wishes he could be that open with his emotions.

 

Maybe then he’d find it in himself to tell Yukhei everything he wants to.

 

Jungwoo nudges him again, a precise touch of his elbow between Yukhei’s ribs. “Hey, big head.”

 

Yukhei snorts, finally tears his gaze away from the screen. He makes a face at Jungwoo, somewhere between exaggerated outrage and looking for a retort, but just ends up with his forehead on Jungwoo’s shoulder, laughing against his skin.

 

“I bring you everything you need and this is how you repay me?” Yukhei exclaims, trying to disguise his laughter into fake tears.

 

He straightens up, rubs his sleeve across his dry eyes. Jungwoo feels his heart running laps in his chest.

 

“Right, let’s get some food in you then. You think we can get it delivered here?” 

 

Jungwoo cocks an eyebrow at him. “You say this like you haven’t tried before.”

 

“And failed miserably, yes, but we don’t need to talk about that.” Yukhei snorts. “I’ll just go get something, my legs are falling asleep anyway.”

 

“Wish I could say the same.” Jungwoo mumbles, dragging a hand down his aching thigh. This pain is always the worst part. 

 

Yukhei stills for a moment, seemingly unsure of what to do. “You sure you're okay?”

 

It’s such a simple thing, just a question, but knowing that someone cares so deeply for him make Jungwoo happy. The fact that this someone is Yukhei, well, that’s something he’s coming closer and closer to figuring out.

 

“Yeah. I will be.”

 

Now seems as good a time as any to finally unlock that happiness in full.

 

Jungwoo takes a deep breath, tries to grab his own heart in his hands. “Say, Xuxi… What are we doing here?”

 

“Like, on Earth?” Yukhei says, like that makes all the sense in the world, and Jungwoo can’t help but smile at how typically Yukhei that is. “Hey, Woo, I’m kidding.” he adds, his hand coming to rest on top of Jungwoo’s on the bed. “To be honest… I’m not really sure.”

 

Ah. Jungwoo thinks he should have known, after what happened with Taeil, that Yukhei wouldn’t want to jump into anything. He knows the elder didn’t mean any harm, only wanted to help guide Yukhei through his feelings, help him understand himself a little better. They’re still on good terms, and Jungwoo is convinced it’s impossible for either of them to hold any hard feelings, but it was still Yukhei’s first heartbreak, and he knows how hard it is to get past that no matter the surrounding circumstances.

 

“I just really like you.” Yukhei hangs his head. “But-”

 

“I really like you too, Xuxi.” Jungwoo cuts him off, hand moving up to hold his wrist. 

 

Yukhei looks at him like he can’t believe what he hears.  “Wait, really?”

 

“Yes, really.”

 

Then, something clicks for both of them. Yukhei turns to him, his other fist clenched in the sheets, and Jungwoo manages to forget the pain finally, for a moment, to take in how Yukhei steels his expression into as much confidence as he can muster. 

 

Letting someone love him has always been a little scary to Jungwoo, a barrier between feelings and reason leaving him scared to show that much of himself. He knows he’s not what most boys are looking for, knows that they’ll never look at him the way he wants them to. But he also knows that Yukhei isn’t like that, that his innocence plays wonders sometimes, lets him see people for exactly who they are, with no prejudice or fear. Jungwoo is almost too aware that someone else’s love isn’t going to magically make everything better, but he’s willing to give this a fair shot just the same.

 

“Then ask me again.”

 

Jungwoo tilts his head to the side, studying Yukhei to try and tell what he’s thinking. It’s hard enough when Yukhei is being his usual self, but right now he’s staring right through Jungwoo’s heart, making it falter for a second. 

 

“What are we doing here?” Jungwoo lets the words leave his lips like you lift a weight off of your shoulders. 

 

Yukhei’s smile at that takes up half his face. “We’re on a date.”

 

He scrunches up his nose and Jungwoo groans at how cheesy it all is, but he still throws his arms around Yukhei’s shoulders, inhales deeply as he buries his face in the crook of Yukhei’s neck. This, right here with him, feels right. It feels safe, and though Jungwoo wishes the circumstances had been different, he’s still so incredibly relieved and happy that he pushes them in a corner of his mind, to be forgotten at least for an evening.

 

When he lifts his head back up, Yukhei immediately bumps their foreheads together, breaking down every rule Jungwoo had set up for himself. Jungwoo lets him, smoothes a hand down Yukhei’s arm and lets him get comfortable in the crevices of his heart.

 

“Hey.” he whispers, and Yukhei whispers back, barely audible. “Can you please kiss me?”

 

He doesn’t need to say it twice. Yukhei disentangles himself just enough to press a kiss to Jungwoo’s cheeks, and Jungwoo lets his eyes fall shut, enjoys the feeling of Yukhei’s soft lips on his skin. They stay there just a moment, long enough to savour before their heat is gone. It’s only a second before Jungwoo feels light pressure against one of his eyelids, and then the next, just enough to make him tingle from the inside. It’s that kind of simple affection that he really craves, especially after watching everyone fall in together. Sicheng and Yuta, Ten and Johnny, Doyoung and Jaehyun. Jungwoo wants to know what it feels like, to be loved so easily, and so deeply. 

 

Maybe right now as Yukhei kisses the tip of his nose and he hears himself huff out a laugh at that, Jungwoo thinks he can feel it blooming under his skin.

 

“Come on Xuxi.” he mutters, muffled by his own thoughts spinning in his head, by the thumping of his heart against his ribs.

 

When Yukhei’s lips finally meet his, it feels like something tips over, and the dam Jungwoo built around his own feelings finally breaks. He welcome Yukhei with all of himself, a hand sliding up his neck, fingers tangling in his hair to hold him just that much closer. The kiss isn’t perfect, sure, because neither of them have that much experience and they’re both too eager to finally give way to the things they’d left unsaid, but it’s enough. Yukhei tilts his head just enough to let Jungwoo kiss him back fully, lips parting ever so slightly, warm hands moving to rest on top of Jungwoo’s thighs. The heat feels nice and soothing, spreading throughout his entire body.

 

Certainly better than any chemical remedy.

 

It’s at that moment that Jungwoo’s empty stomach decides to manifest itself again, grumbling loud enough for both of them to hear. Jungwoo tries his best but still ends up laughing against Yukhei’s lips, a domino effect that leaves Yukhei holding his sides and slumping back against the wall.

 

“Okay okay, message received, I’ll be on my way.”

 

“My prince charming.” Jungwoo whines as Yukhei slips off the bed and into his jacket. His cheeks feel red hot and he tries to press his palms to his face to soothe them, but they’re still warm from holding Yukhei.

 

Yukhei shrugs to adjust his jacket, blows Jungwoo a kiss. “I do my best.”

 

It’s more than enough.

 

“One more before you go?” Jungwoo coos, kneels on the bed to beckon Yukhei closer. “For good luck.”

 

At first it looks like Yukhei is going to give him a smartass reply again. Instead, he slides across the floor and tilts Jungwoo’s chin up with a finger, just enough to brush his lips against Jungwoo’s. “You’re all the good luck I need.”

 

“Oh my _god_ , Wong Yukhei.” Jungwoo snorts, pushing Yukhei away with both hands. “We’re never watching one of these movies again.”

 

Yukhei throws his head back in something that sounds more like a howl than a laugh, and he winks at Jungwoo before disappearing behind the door.

  
  
Maybe from now on, they won't need those movies.   
  


 

 

They can just write their own.

**Author's Note:**

> the response to the pride fic has been so, SO incredible, i can't quite believe i have such amazing people reading my fics and that im able to leave an impact on them that way. truly, thank you so much for all the love and feedback, yall are the best!!
> 
> thank you, as usual & forever, to dylan, bru and ricki <3
> 
> i'd also like to dedicate this fic to my dearest autumn, i know she loves these boyos!! love u my angel!
> 
> thank you very much for reading, and hmu on [twitter](http://twitter.com/diaminghao) if you wanna talk!
> 
> cya~!


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